An elegant way to apologize for everything so wrong yet so right


The People You Don’t Want To Run Into At Parties

Posted December 12, 2012 by in DRUNK

Everyone loves to party, this is a well-known fact. Partying doesn’t necessarily mean getting shit housed on a Tuesday night and destroying everything in your sight (although, clearly, it is the best way to do it). Nope, to some people partying can mean staying up until late hours of the night completing calculus problems, or doing sit-ups until you defecate yourself, whatever your form of partying is, we thinks its safe to say that it is the shit.

There’s a few things that can ruin your buzz during these wonderful, barley memorable moments, but one of the worst occurrences that can happen is running into one of these people at the party. Study these four types, avoid them, and you will be on your way to a crazy ass night!


The Loaner. Not even sure how this person got the invite in the first place, the loaner is someone who rarely has any human interaction. Unfortunately burdened with a lack of social intelligence, this person will latch on to any form of acknowledgement faster then you can down your eighth shot of the night.

Once started, the conversation will be painfully awkward, ranging from the new type of stain fighting detergent they’re using or that darn chemistry quiz they just can’t seem to understand. When faced with this horrendous situation we usually try the fake “I’m getting a call sorry” or if truly desperate the intentional spilling-of-the-beer-on-the-shirt tactic can always give you an excuse to get away from the loaner.


The Drunkest Person in the Room. Sometimes the drunkest person in the room can be hard to avoid, because usually it looks like they’re having the most fun of anyone at the party. Dancing their ass off, screaming at the top of their lungs, and just generally making a fool of themselves is what you would typically expect from this person.

You may be faced with the choice to interact with him or her but try to avoid the temptation, you will be thankful later. If you do give in to the pressure the interaction may seem like it is going well at first, but usually goes down hill very quickly. The “conversation” which most likely will start with some variance of “It is so great to see you!” usually turns to random, unprovoked hook ups if its someone of the opposite sex, which then turns to having to take care of them when they inevitably start yacking everywhere. Avoid this by keeping responses short and boring.

The drunken mind is an incredible thing, if presented with conversations that don’t satisfy it’s remarkable short attention span it will make the decision to leave, immediately, freeing you of all connections for the night.


The Moocher. Hide your pocket shots and extra beers when coming in contact with this individual. This is the person that some how missed the pregame, had no alcohol at their place, and has no means of getting it on their own.

Usually looking uncomfortable and desperate, their main goal is to guzzle as much booze as possible, and this is often revealed half way through the interaction. Statements such as “this party is so fun! I just wish I had some alcohol” or “what are you drinking? That looks so amazing” are the typical techniques used to snatch your drink before you even realize its gone. The moocher is like a dog, you give him or her one drink and they’ll be begging for more before you know it, but if you respond with a firm “hell no” then they will leave you alone.

Our advice? Before talking to anyone, moocher or not, is to pound your drink no matter the volume or potency. This way you can avoid drink theft from that son of a bitch moocher.


The Recent Break-Up Victim. Break-ups are always tough for both parties, and often the first thing people want do is have some fun to get their minds off of the stress and sadness of the split. They may say they want to just party and not think about it, but really they are just looking for someone to vent to.

Getting stuck in a conversation about someone’s ex is just not what you want to do if you’re trying to rage your face off especially when flowing alcohol has loosened up the tongue. Even people who you have seen just once or twice on campus could feel the need to spill their thoughts to you if you lend an open ear. There will be a lot of talk about “feelings” and “emotions” and “I want my fucking sweatshirt back”, things of that sort, if that were us, we would stay the hell away from that person.

Do your research, check recent Facebook and twitter statuses, just so you know what’s going on, and stick to the beer pong table and dance floor, not the venting corner.

There’s a time and place for talking about relationship problems not in the middle of a damn party people!


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