How To Spot A Virgin
Ever wondered if your friend was a virgin? Ever wanted to know if you were heading into danger with a stage five clinger? Ever thought your friend totally lied about getting into so-and-so’s pants? Some serious issues can arise from not knowing these details ahead of time.
Don’t worry, we’ve got your back. Here are four signs that are guaranteed to determine whether or not they’ve ever gotten jiggly with it, or they’re lying their asses off.
Avoiding The Topic. First and foremost, if the topic of sex, giant boobs, or wieners comes up, and someone starts to get all twitchy, they’re probably a newb. They probably squirm during sex scenes in movies, and giggle any time a female jogger goes by. Avoiding eye contact, swollen tongue, sweaty palms… Yup, you just gave them an unwanted boner.
The Hover Hand. The hover hand is one of the best methods to locate or identify a virgin. Search through your Facebook photos and see who doesn’t have the balls to put his hand all the way against someone’s skin, lingering a few awkward inches above. You may be surprised. The hover hand is a natural phenomenon, and can be easily googled and recognized. It’s often seen near hot girls wearing minimal clothes, or at comic book and porn conventions.
The Stare. We get it, boobs can be super magnetic when near eyes. Don’t get us wrong, every guy sneaks a peek as often as he can, it’s part of their nature. But if you catch a man staring profusely as if they’ve never seen anything like that before, well, they probably haven’t. The stare, paired with an open mouth, is a good indicator that they have no idea what’s going on underneath that low cut v-neck.
Living At Home. So he asks to take you home, you get in the car, you’re feeling a little buzzed, you don’t notice the Star Wars charm on his keychain, and everything is going just great. You walk up to a surprisingly nice house, he’s fumbling with the keys and he says, “Try not making too much noise, my parents are probably still up watching TV.” Pass. You and I both know that no one ever walks through that door. Sometimes taxis even wait at the corner on Friday nights. If he’s still living at home, and you make it back before his parents even go to bed, he definitely only wants to cuddle.
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