How To Smoke In Your Dorm
After you finally finish moving all of your shit into a room the size of a closet that you’re sharing with a WOW-addicted foreigner, perhaps all you want to do is just unwind with a freshly-packed bowl. Yes I know, your RA is a pretentious douchebag who has the nose of a police-trained German Shephard. And if you get caught you’re gonna be thrown out of school, beaten, and possibly executed. Well we say fuck it, because even you, innocent little freshman, deserve to toke up now and then. So stick it to the man and spark that blunt, but for the love of God be discrete about it.
1. Towel Under the Door. First and foremost, pick your least favorite towel/blanket/snuggie and designate it your official weed forcefield. Even your straight-edge grandmother can tell you that the most obvious giveaway that someone is smoking pot is the smell. You could have the shittiest weed on the planet, it’s still gonna smell dank. So clogging any airway between your pot palace and the dorm hallway is always a smart idea.
2. Fan in the Window. Even better than preventing the smell from leaving your room is preventing the smell from being in your room at all. Yes this is an impossible feat, but simply placing a fan on the windowsill facing outside is huge. Just exhale into the back of it and boom, you’ve just made passing freshmen outside extremely jealous. Side effects of this include not being able to blow smoke rings, but unless you’re as good at it as Gandalf, it’s a fair trade.
3. Febreze Constantly. This is your third line of defense in your battle against dankness. After every few hits, give the Febreze a spritz, preferably near the door. A well-placed air freshener works too. Don’t wait until you can smell the pot yourself to spray though, because by that point everyone in the common room will already be wondering which door to knock on to get in on the action. And nobody wants that. Well, unless you’re into making friends or whatever.
4. Hide Your Shit. If the RA knocks on your door and you answer with bloodshot eyes mumbling some nonsensical jibber-jabber about Doritos and Animal Collective, the only thing he can acuse you of is having bad taste in music. But if he walks in to find a 4-foot long bong and a gas mask, you might as well just offer him the rest of your weed. That might be the only thing that can save you at that point.
5. Don’t Leave Until You’re Done. This might be the most common mistake of freshman stoners. And we’d be lying if we said we haven’t made this mistake ourselves. I don’t care how badly you have to piss, once you remove that towel and open the door, you are letting the entire dorm know what kind of fun you’ve been having. And if you return to smoke another bowl, well then you’re quite literally playing with fire. Do yourself a favor and give your room some time to de-dank itself before you return. That way at least you won’t be there when the RA comes a-knockin’.
Smoking weed is fun, just be careful out there kids. And even if you do get caught after following these guidelines, then you might as well just transfer, ’cause your school sucks.
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