We’ve all been there: your buddy is really into someone, and you’re left in charge of entertaining “The Friend.” It’s not an easy task, and there’s a lot at stake, both for your friend and your own reputation. Say the wrong thing, and both will be tarnished forever (or just for the rest of the night). Here are some rules to follow for next time so you don’t blow it:

1. Make The Friend feel comfortable. If it looks like she’s not having fun, she’s not having fun. Most girls (at least, most chill girls) genuinely want the best for their friends’ sex lives. If she’s really trying to have fun with you and she’s still completely bored, you’re doing something wrong. Whatever you do, don’t ask her why she’s not having fun. Instead, drag in additional resources to get her to loosen up.

2. Don’t copy what your friend does. Nothing is more awkward for The Friend than when the target and your friend are very obviously hitting it off right in front of you. Even if your friend is shoving his tongue down the target’s throat, you keep yours right where it is. Keep it clean, unless you’re getting obvious signals to mimic the newfound couple.

3. Be strategic. As the wingman, your mission is to distract The Friend. That’s it. We all know it. But please, try not to be so obvious. If conversation with The Friend is dull, don’t ever say anything like “OK, so what should we talk about?” or “Well, this is awkward.” Admittedly, there are times when it’s appropriate to address the awkwardness. This is not one of those times. Instead, move onto something other than talking—buy a round of shots, or pull her onto the dance floor. Best of luck.

Add a bottle opener. You already have a camera built in, why not a bottle opener? Many a man went to bed sober because he wasn’t able to open his booze. That, dear friend, is not something that should ever be the phone’s fault. We rely on our phones for everything else, right?

Make that beer app ACTUALLY dispense beer. Okay, the only people that actually like this app are freshmen in high school that can “pretend” they’re getting wasted. If beer doesn’t physically come out of the phone when we download the app, it serves no other purpose than to piss us off.

Create a case that’s specifically drunk proof. Remember that feeling of waking up to a cracked screen? Well, if Apple made their phones drunk proof, then you couldn’t even scratch the phone with your new manicure much less shatter it due to a drunken game of FIFA.

Instead of HELPING us drunk text with spellcheck, disable texting completely when a simple “whats up” looks like hieroglyphics. No, don’t suggest words for “heudhgdy whakjgsdlkjts up?” If you’re at the point where your booty call knows you are in desperate need of going to bed, maybe it’s better that you don’t press send. Because technology is so much smarter than us at times, our phones should be able to be that friend who goes, “no, honey.”

Repel vodka.  R.I.P. all phones who have been spilt on, dropped in a tall glass, or found themselves in a puddle of 90 proof. We salute you, and it’s about time we find the technology to never let another iPhone fall victim to Karkov.

1. Gina Carano

Not only will she kick your ass in a fight but she’ll kick your ass in a drinking war.

2. Metta World Peace

His name might be “World Peace” but that does not describe the way he parties. This party animal loves Vegas and LA night clubs.

3. Milan Lucic

After winning the Stanley Cup in 2011 Milan treated the cup like his own personal chalice. We can’t even tell you how many beers were drank out of it but we can tell you it was a shit load.

4. Michael Jordan

If there’s drinking, smoking, or gambling Air Jordan will be there.

5. Jeremy Shockey

Jeremy Shockey’s party antics might “shock” you because this NFL tight end sure knows how to consume alcohol.

6. John Daly

No other golfer (or athlete for that matter) can party like Jon Daly. In Daly We Trust!

7. Joakim Noah

Chi-City’s Joakim Noah can be seen on the Chicago “party scene” all the time. Party on Jo!

8. Matt Leinart

Matt has been on the party scene since college and he still maintains his party status to this day.

9. Tiger Woods

Tiger, Tiger Woods Yaaaaa’lllll!!!

10. Alexander Ovechkin

In the off-season Ovechkin heads home to Russia and parties like he hasn’t been there in years.

11. Dennis Rodman

Even though Dennis Rodman hasn’t been in the NBA in years he is still known as the NBA’s favorite bad boy and partier.

12. Rob Gronkowski

We all know that Gronk has been sorry for partying before and by the looks of it he will be sorry for a long time coming. GET GRONKED OUT!

He goes crazy on stage. You know that feeling you get when a really good song comes on and you can’t control your movements? Macklemore performs exactly like that, and you can’t help but follow along.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis’ bromance deserves to be seen live. Every good duo needs a frontman and a guy you just know is there making the music 10x better than if the frontman was playing alone. Macklemore and Ryan Lewis could not be separated, and they both know that, making their performances that much better.

He has guests with almost every song. While he’s great in his performance, himself, his constant strand of guests in songs allows the concert goer to see him as not only a musician, but a music lover as well. He only picks the coolest unknown gems to be featured in his songs, and we dig it.

You get to see him dress like this ^. True to his song, Thrift Shop, Macklemore dresses like a straight up pimp out of a 1982 crime movie. Like a less obnoxious Gaga, his clothing is half the reason to see him live.

You can’t deny your love for him. “He used to be so good,” you say. “Now he’s overplayed and too popular.” Get over it. His songs make you want to go ape shit in the best way possible, and you love him for it. Liking an artist should be based off of the amount of people who listen to him.

The Plastics: Jay-Z & Kanye West. You know it and they know it: they run this industry like a well oiled machine. Hov is CLEARLY Regina in this instance, with Kanye as Gretchen Weiners (“I don’t think my Baby Mama, the inventor of KUWTK would appreciate this…”). People know these two are rap royalty, and they’re not stepping down without a fight (or a freak bus accident).

Home Schooled Jungle Freak: Drake. “Oh my god, I love your vintage wheelchair, where’d you get it?!” Drake went from Degrassi to the rap game in a hot minute, and even Canada wasn’t so quick to jump on board. You can definitely imagine this kid eating his first lunch in the bathroom, but next thing you know, he’s getting in club fights with Chris Brown. His stardom went from 0 to 60 in 3.5 (is the Rihanna reference too soon?).

The Best People You Will Ever Meet: Pharrell & Frank Ocean. Now these are the kids you want to really be hanging out with (forget that Lady Smith Black Mambazo concert, Pharrell’s on!). Frank Ocean and Pharrell are living the good life, but you barely hear about it. Maybe they’re going for that “cool kids on the down low” look, but either way, we dig it.

Sexually Active Band Geeks: Nicki Minaj & Weezy. Does this really need to be explained? Minaj gave Weezy a lap dance on the Billboard Music Awards. We think that says enough.

Aaron Samuels: Rihanna. Jay-Z’s prodigy, Drake’s one that got away. We can totally see a Girl World inspired fight happening over this, but for now, Drake will just have to tell her that her hair looks sexy pushed back. You win, Hov, you win.

Here’s what you need:
Minimum 4 people
Minimum 6 beers per person
Deck of cards
A full day to recover

To get started, stack 12 cards in a pile, face down, then create a ring around the stack with the remaining 40 cards. Sure, get creative with the setup.
A player starts by announcing a color, red or black, and then selects any card from the outer ring. If the player is right, they give the value of the card, and if they’re wrong they drink. Number cards are worth the number displayed in seconds, for example an 8 is worth 8 seconds, face cards are 10, 11, 12, 13 seconds respectively, and Ace’s are 14. If the player is right, they can divide the value amongst multiple players or send the entire amount to any single player. If a player selects a card prior to announcing a color, they must shotgun a beer. Don’t try to fight it, just embrace it.

Right or wrong, anytime a face card is drawn, Jack, Queen, or King, the announcing player gets to make a rule. If wrong, the player must drink the full amount prior to making the rule. The goal is to create rules that other players will break, a lot. The only rule to creating a rule is a player cannot single out another player.

Here are a few of our favorites:

Bring a whole new meaning to the word “fucked” – no profanity allowed
No first names, last names, or established nicknames
You can’t use the words drink, drank, or drunk
Get aggressive – when you break a rule, it’s double
Because no one should ever drink alone – when you drink, so does someone else
Every time a player breaks a rule, they must chug their beer for 5 seconds. Drink bitch, I’m counting.

Only after the drinks have been consumed from that turn will the game rotate clockwise to the player sitting to the left. Each player should select only from the outer ring of cards until all 40 cards have been drawn. Once the ring of cards has been exhausted, players will be required to draw from the pile. If you’re not drunk yet, you’re about to be. Each pile card is worth twice the value. For example, Ace’s are worth 28. At this point, you might as well just shotgun another beer and get weird.

When attending a huge outdoor music festival full of people and mind-altering substances, a lot could go wrong. But we at Sorry for Partying enthusiastically believe in accepting what we cannot change. We also like to live by the mantra “joy is dancing in the rain…” or whatever that saying is. OK, so we’ve run out of tacky cliches to make you feel better about your problems. The truth is, it’ll suck if something goes wrong during what should be the best weekend of your life. Here’s how to deal so you still have a good time:

It’s raining…hard. Nothing’s a worse buzzkill than rain and humidity when you’re trying to keep your hair looking its best. We recommend wearing hats or clear ponchos. Or, you can be a true hippie and embrace the storm with a little rain dance or whatever those goddamn hippies do in nature.

Your schedule is conflicting. So, your friends want to see one band, and you want to go to the other. Or, your two favorite bands are playing at the same time. There’s one very easy way to fix this: just go to both!

Your stupid phone’s stupid battery died. When partying for 12+ hours everyday and trying to capture it all on Twitter/Facebook/camera on your phone, battery death is inevitable. You can either: 1. switch off phone duty with a friend, 2. bring a backup battery to swap out, or 3. suck it up and live without a phone for a few hours.

Some of your friends bailed. It can get pretty annoying when you’re trying to plan a huge outing with your friends, and not everyone’s onboard (we’re looking at you, guys in West 4^th). Solution? Get news friends. What better way to make new ones than at a festival of love and art?

So what kind of breakfast can you serve that will get your lay to leave and not come back? Don’t worry, we’ve got the answers.

Plain toast

Plain toast is the perfect way to say “Get out.”  It’s a food that requires so little effort that it shows your restraint in lighting the bed on fire.  Also, after a night of drinking, a little toast is good for an upset stomach, so you can pretend you care about their well-being.

Cereal

Look in the back of your cabinet, behind the good stuff (no Cinnamon Toast Crunch for this floozy). Do you have a stale box of Lucky Charms or, even better, Grape-Nuts?  Throw that shit in a bowl and shove it in their face to wake them up.  They’ll get it.

An apple

Apples are edible projectiles.  So if you don’t want to get too close to whatever it is that you let inside you, or went inside of, an apple is the perfect way of bridging the gap.

Cold pizza

Cold pizza is a delicious breakfast that’s perfect for hangovers.  It also requires less effort than toast or cereal, since it requires nothing but a plate. This should be reserved for good lays only.

Aspirin and Coffee

The true breakfast of a stride of pride.  No nonsense, no real food, just enough to get someone going and ready to leave.  See, this is the Midwestern, passive-aggressive special.  It says “Have a good morning- somewhere else.”  Give it and watch them go.

1. Daily selfies. We get it, you want people to think you have all this confidence and shower you with attention. You know how we know you’re one “likeless” post away from a mental breakdown? Just say no to 24 hour selfithons.

2. Play-by-play updates of their lives. “Trash didn’t get picked up this morning and now I don’t have time to work out!” *12 minutes later* “Managed to squeeze in some biceps and a quick jump rope session – Thank GOD!!” *10 minutes later* “What to make for lunch??” Facebook is not a place to log your thoughts about everything, especially things so pointless. We may have gone to high school together, but thats all we want to remember you as. These updates are a surefire way to get a ticket to delete town.

3. Passive-aggressive posts/likes/anything. If you’re in a terrible mood/mad at someone, do yourself a favor and stay off of social media. Load up some Netflix and marathon the pain away, because we promise you that all 563 of your friends could care less about your life “drama.”

4. Pictures of your food. Spectacularly designed plate at a fancy restaurant? Totally get it. Mac & cheese with bacon and sriracha? No thanks. Not all food needs to have photographic evidence of you consuming it.

5. Excessive commenting. We know people post stuff on these sights mainly for people to like/comment the hell out of them, but if you’ve attacked 75% of someone’s posts, you’re doing it wrong. This is the kind of person who could benefit from a social media detox.

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