9 (Somewhat Helpful) Tips For Writing a Successful Paper
It’s Finals Week, and you’ve got to get those last few papers done before you can have the end of the year—possibly end of the world—party on Friday. So here’s a few steps to get you through that ten-page paper about shit nobody fucking cares about.
Step 1. Procrastinate until 1 am becaues really, the most creative writing happens in the wee hours of night. Plus, you kind of enjoy having a life, so homework can’t hold you back from having a good time, right?
Step 2. Order a pizza. If deliveries are done, drive to the motherfucking grocery store and buy yourself a large stuffed crust because you’ll need it to get through this night.
Step 3. Eat the entire pizza while watching Netflix. You can’t type and shovel eight slices into your mouth at the same time, and Blue Mountain State might (somehow) give you inspiration.
Step 4. Open up a word doc. If you’ve already got one with your name and the date on it, you’re way ahead of the game, so go reward yourself! We suggest a shot or texting your hot neighbor.
Step 5. BEGIN! We know the opener is always the toughest, so we suggest repeating the question your teacher asked as a more sophisticated question, making you sound like you actually fucking care.
Step 6. You’ve got what, three paragraphs down now? We think you should reward yourself with a nice cold beer. If it were a Saturday night you would still be downing beer bongs so DO WORK!
Step 7. Turn on a movie because you ain’t getting shit done listening to Backstreet Boys and JoJo, so put on some crappy flick your roomie loves. You’ll be so bored that writing a paper will actually seem fun.
Step 8. It’s now 4:50 and you’re catching your second wind. That excitement fills you up and you have to do something. So go ahead and Facebook stalk everyone you’ve ever slept with. Tweet every random thought that comes to you. Instagram a pic of your dick. Or our personal fav, Snapchat EVERYONE that has it even if you’ve never spoken to them in your life.
Step 9. Back to the grind. You can do this shit, you’ve just got what, maybe 2 pages left? Thats like a long-winded explanation and a conclusion to finish your last point, take another shot… The alcohol is probably wearing off by now, then sum it up with whatever is bothering you.
Voila! You’ve just written the most magnificent paper in the history of papers! Not really, but you got drunk, ate pizza and spent some good quality time with your laptop. And for some of you that doesn’t happen without your hand down your pants.
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